Chain-Chain-Chain . . . Cheney Fools

So I called up my Dad the other day and told him I was ready to be The President just as he used to be before he retired. I figured I could use some of his old buddies to help guide me through it all- -what the heck- -maybe even DO it all and in just a few months’ time I too could be President just like Dad.

Every boy wants to grow up to be just like his Dad- -Well, almost every boy. I guess Richard Simmons might have preferred his Mother, or who knows, an errant Scoutmaster, but most of us want to be just like Dad. Tom Brokaw’s books are living testament to how "my generation" looks at our "Dads’ generation". Tom has called them the "Greatest Generation". Well, yes, in our lifetime, so far. But tyranny and tyrants frequently bring out the best in the opposition. Check your history books.

Hitler had to be stopped and our Allied Forces went all the way to Berlin to make sure. Napoleon became a threat to peace on the Continent, and there’s a battle that has become synonymous with his end- -"He met his Waterloo" is now part of the language. And our recently most despised tyrant "The Gaghbad of Baghdad" was pounded into submission by a team of military strategists that decided to go all the way to…well, no…not exactly Baghdad, but to an arbitrary "no-fly" zone. Try putting up a statue to that.

And who was one of the key decision makers in the room when the word went out? Dick Cheney, The Secretary of Defense…He himself with no military service.

This bold leadership decision has left us with a decade’s worth of incidents that could easily have been avoided if a different course of action had been chosen. Imagine going almost to Berlin and letting Hitler remain in power into the 1950s or 60s. An unthinkable idea. My point exactly. But Noooooo……..The Persian Excursion was about one thing, and one thing only- -Awl as they say in Texas- -"Oil, that is…Black Gold, Texas Tea…Well, the next thing you know , ole Jeb’s a millionaire and the kinfolk said…" Oh, wait a minute. I digress. Sing along if you like. I was really supposed to be talking about leadership qualities. So…

I’ve spent the past couple of decades being a leader- -well, okay, a band leader- -but still a leader. And with one or two minor glitches in the resume, I’m as ready to be President as was Daddy. As a bandleader in the 1970s I was required to fulfill my job obligation of "sex and drugs and rock&roll". Having inhaled and having been, shall we say, a bit of a party animal, probably precludes me from political office…

Wait a minute. Indiscriminate sex and recreational drug use- -after all I was only experimenting- -don’t keep you from public office anymore- -They practically guarantee election!! Thank you Bill Clinton!! Party on, Dude!

But wait another minute. Some of my twenties and thirties are sort of fuzzy. Hmm. I do need Daddy’s help. Ah, shucks. He’d love to have another President in the family, even if it is ME and not him. I need someone who knows his way around Washington, ’cause, heck, I can’t find The Lincoln Memorial with a map, or is it The Washington Monument- -One of them. Such a confusing city. Streets all numbered or named after States. How does anybody get anywhere? I need a bigger smarter version of- -ME!!

Okay, a Texas oil guy. A right-to-lifer. A good ole conservative who could vote down "Head Start" programs…screw the little buggers. A guy who could cheer against Nelson Mandela. I’m starting to salivate. A guy to the right of Attila the Hun!! That will keep those pesky Christians on the far right happy. A guy who’s in favor of more guns AND cop-killer plastic bullets. Oh, I’m getting hot now. And a guy who’s healthy as an ox- -okay, well, you can’t have everything. But it’s only three heart attacks. I can live with that, if he can. Hope so, so he can run the show.

He’s such a nice guy, he won’t mind doing all the work. I’ll go to the ceremonies!!

I’m good looking enough to get elected. He’s actually smart enough to do the job!!

The American People will buy that, won’t they? Sure they will. I can relax now and check the schedule to see when the next death row inmate fries. I love power!!

Thanks Dad. I owe ya!!