Danny McBride, 670 words

This summer has been one of the worst fire seasons in the Western United States in many decades. Some say fifty years. There are no fewer than 45 major fires now burning in almost all states of the American West- -Idaho, Montana, Colorado, California, Washington- -virtually everywhere. New Mexico has already made front page news with the Los Alamos fire.

Fire is Nature’s way of regenerating forests. It is a natural process that has gone on since the beginning of time. It happened to Bambi. And as people move away from cities and have homes in woodland areas, instead of these fires burning, cleansing, and stimulating new growth, we now have the possibility that dream cabins built for summer retreats are now the actual places from which people will be retreating.

So, you ask, how do these fires start?

We know about the Los Alamos fire starting as a controlled burn on a hot and windy day. "Hey, Joe, the temperature’s dropped into the nineties. The wind’s died down to about 30 mph. Whaddaya say we do that controlled burn this afternoon?" Okay, the weather report said clear and calm. They should have looked out the window.

We know that summer lightning strikes cause wildfires. And we know about smoldering campfires or carelessly discarded smoking materials. Smokey Bear has long since drilled this into us. (I liked it when Smokey still had a middle name: The.)

But this year we have a new culprit--flaming grasshoppers.

Flaming grasshoppers? You read that right. Recently the Associated Press ran a story datelined Coulee City, Washington, which detailed the whole story:

"A grasshopper that jumped on an electric fence and was incinerated was the culprit behind a fire that broke out Sunday on the Colville Indian Reservation, said Roland Emetaz, spokesman for the Central Washington Area Team, the area’s wildfire coordination agency."

The AP continues "The grass is very dry in this country," Emetaz said. "Any ignition and you’ve got a fire." The fire, about six miles northeast of Grand Coulee Dam, had spread to 3,500 acres by Monday.

Flaming grasshoppers? How do we know this? The AP story never says.

How does one happen to be standing near enough to a grasshopper and an electric fence when such an untimely event takes place? "Hey, Honey. I’m takin’ the pickup out to the back forty ‘n’ watch for grasshoppers."

"Okay, Dear. You see as you don’t miss supper, you hear?"

And what? Sit there? And wait? How many days does one perform this activity before someone asks your whereabouts, and your wife says "Oh, he’s in the back pasture by the electric fence watching for grasshoppers."

"To do what?"

"Jump up on it and catch fire."

White coats and a muffled siren and you’d be off for a bit of a rest for a few days.

These wildfires are serious business. Even The President went to Idaho to check it out firsthand, although one suspects he misheard and thought he was getting a chance to slip off with some woman named Ida with a bad reputation.

It will be weeks and weeks until these fires are contained. With this being one of the driest summers on record in these parts, there are bound to be more fires before the rainy season, or as we say here in California, winter. (This is followed directly by the Mudslide season.)

There are a lot of brave men and women on the fire lines all over the West and my hat is off to them. I’ve experienced a couple of wildfires and I can tell you firsthand, they really ruin a picnic worse than ants. In a city as lush and green as Los Angeles, we’ve had major wildfires right within the city limits, although not for a few years.

So I’m going out in the backyard, look for grasshoppers, and watch and wait til they catch fire. I could help them along a bit with a match, but that wouldn’t be cricket.

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