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Danny |
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Beating Around The Bush President George
W Bush addressed the nation from the White House the other night in what
was billed as a report on Iraq and the War On Terror but was obviously a
dry run for his 2004 election-night concession speech. Here is some of
what he might have said: Good evening. I have
asked for this time to keep you informed because I’m at a total loss
as to what else I might do to excuse my actions and the actions of those
brave Americans who are securely hiding in undisclosed locations. This
does not include Colin Powell whom we have decided to hang out to dry on
Meet The Press and other news shows. Nearly two years ago
we began a systematic campaign to take over a country, any country, but
one we could beat, in order to show the world who’s the boss. And we
showed many of them Who’s The Boss. And for many, showing them
Tony Danza was enough for them to say "we quit". Unfortunately
some of those countries used to be our friends, but are not really our
friends any more, although most of them still make pretty good
chocolate: the French, the Germans, the Swiss, the Dutch- -Dutch
chocolate is still my favorite- -and the Danish- -although I still have
one of their pastries once in a while- -and either the Luxembourgerers
or that other one I can’t think of, but I know it’s in the Old
Europe. Anyway, I wouldn’t eat a Luxembourger because I’m a beef man
from Texas and I hate soy. Let the Luxembourgians eat them. So about two years
ago we began our campaign against terrorism. Unfortunately, we got into
this a little late, after the terrorists had already gotten into it, and
had already struck here in this country. We would have been on this
earlier but I was still learning the names of all the other countries in
the world and other important stuff from my teacher and mentor Donald
Rumsfeld. And I don’t want to hear anything bad about my friend Mr
Rumsfeld. He knows how to go to a map and point to any country you can
name. That’s pretty impressive in my book. I can almost do that now
too. First, we put
together a broad coalition of us and Tony Blair and some other country
which was either Spain or Portugal, I’m not sure which- -but some one
of those- -plus either Bulgaria or Romania or Lithuania- -whichever one
ends in "i-a"- - and is pronounced "ee-ya" and is a
part of the New Europe. Then, in a series of
daring acts, we went hunting for either Al Qaeda or Al Franken until we
found them in Afghanistan. We have also taken over terrorist front
groups, and back groups, too, so we have both front and back groups,
plus we’ve seized terrorist accounts and terrorist accountants, and
have uncovered terrorist sleep-over cells within the United States.
These terrorists will no longer be able to have sleep-overs at each
others’ houses. And we acted in
Iraq, where the former regime sponsored terror, possessed and used
weapons of mass destruction which America had given them in the late
1980s under a previous administration when they used to be the good guys
and were fighting other bad guys, and for 12 years they defied the clear
demands of my Dad and his coalition team. You don’t defy my Dad
and get away with it. Almost 300 brave Americans have died to make that
point clear. And we may have to let 300 more brave Americans die in Iraq
if they don’t realize we mean bidness. The Middle East will
either become a place of progress and peace, or it will be an exporter
of violence and terror that takes the lives of more Americans and others
in our good-guy coalition, like Poland. Poland also happily participated
in the First Gulf War. Unfortunately, the Gulf they went to was the Gulf
of Mexico. But no matter. They meant well. When tyrants fall
and resentment gives way to hope, men and women in every culture reject
the ideologies of terror and turn to pursuits of peace. Hey! I like that
line. I wonder who wrote that? Everywhere that freedom takes hold,
terror will retreat. I like that line too. Our enemies understand this.
I just wish I did. I know I kinda look
as scared tonight as a deer in headlights. That is because I have come
to realize that if my foreign policy and my domestic policy continue
like they have over the next year or so, it won’t matter who the
Democrats nominate to be my opponent. Even Dennis Kucinich would beat
me. I have screwed up
big-time because I took the advice of know-it-alls in the Pentagon
without regard to the consequences, or what some like to call an
"exit strategy". Some people have used words like
"quagmire" to describe the position we are in in Iraq. That is
a word from the Vietnam era, and is not appropriate here. Vietnam was a
jungle so quagmire was a good word to use. Iraq is a desert so we would
be better off comparing our actions there to something desert-like, like
sand. It would be appropriate to say we are stuck there like in
quicksand. I am going to ask
you the American people to reach deep into your wallets and the wallets
of your children and grandchildren, including those not yet born, and
cough up $87 Billion so I can finish my term in office without looking
like a complete dufus. I would ask the United Nations for help, but
they’re only going to want to have a say in things if they participate
and Dick Cheney has told me he doesn’t want that. So you’ll just
have to pay for this and get me off the hook. Or I’ll go down in
history as one of the dumbest bastards who ever sat in the White House.
Please make your checks out tonight. Send them to Republicans For World
Domination, care of your local RNC office. That’s about all
for now. I just hope we win. Thank you. And
goodnight. And may God continue to bless America, and only America. |
