8-4-02, Danny McBride
I Rack and Ruin
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
Okay- -Here’s the deal: I’m coming over to your house soon to steal things. I’m going to take your TV and your computer and perhaps even your moustache scissors- -Heck, I don’t know what I’m gonna take, but I’m coming and you can’t stop me. Not only that, once I’m done with you, I’m just gonna make it my house. What do you think of that?
Nuts. That’s what I’d bet you’d think. Around the bend. Gonzo. Certifiable.
And yet that’s just what our government has been doing every day now for quite a while. Every morning The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times- -every responsible newspaper in the country has run a continuing version of the “we’re comin’ t’ getcha, Saddam” story. And that’s just what it is: ’Saddam story.
But that’s what the Pentagon and the State Department, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, senior administration officials, members of the Defense Policy Board, the Congressional Research Service, the House Budget Committee, The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol and contestants on The Price Is Right have been saying. EVERYBODY has been talking about our upcoming war with Iraq as if we were revving up for The World Series or The Super Bowl.
Should we take Baghdad first? Should we invade from the North where the Kurds hold sway? (Ha!! Kurds’n sway. Sorry.) Or should we fly in off the Gulf and plop 250,000 Americans on the ground? Choose door number one or door number two. “I’ll take Diego Garcia for 200, Alex”.
Now who you callin’ NUTS?
See, it’s no secret that Saddam Hussein is in Donald Rumsfeld’s cross-hairs. But does it make sense for him to be discussing this on the front page every day? Rumsfeld speaks at a Suffolk, Virginia military show, and then the next day continues at a press conference at The Pentagon.
Senator Joe “How’s-My-Hair?” Biden (D-DE) holds hearings at the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, which he chairs, and talks about what we might do.
So if you’re Saddam, and you’re reading this every day, what would you do?
Yeah, I know- -stock up on peanut butter and bottled water and get ready for the inevitable. Check the papers online every hour to see when they announce the date and time, the sort of “one-if-by-land-two-if-by-sea” approach. And get ready to roll over and say “Uncle, Sam”, Saddam.
Is that what you’d do if you were him?
“Medjool, darling. Bring me some more hummus and pita bread while I watch CNN.”
I don’t think so. So why are we talking about this upcoming event as if it were a given, including the outcome? Are we Saddam sure of this scenario that we don’t give Iraq’s behind who knows what’s up and when? We don’t need the element of surprise? It’s like The Falkland War between Britain and Argentina- -We watched the flotilla steam its way from England to the South Atlantic for three weeks every night on the news, and even though the Argentines knew what was coming way in advance, they were powerless to stop it. Are we THAT sure of the outcome? Just a thought: Don’t count on it. The Islas Malvinas didn’t have any oil or wealthy friends to finance terrorism back home.
Recently the resident teenager was singing a little ditty in the back seat as we drove along. It turned out to be a recruiting jingle from a TV ad. “Hi, I’m Lieutenant So-and-so and I learned computers in The Army and now I have a swell career and I can run a computer. I love it. They taught me everything and I got paid, too” came the mimicry of the ad. And then the observation: “Gee, they must need a lot of people in The Army. How come?”
Well, my dear, they need cannon fodder, or in this day and age, bio-chemical weapons fodder. We’re taking over Iraq. The radio and TV shows you listen to and watch don’t have any news- -okay- -MTV News- -so hopefully a lot of new dumb young kids will enlist. Then next year when we have our war they’ll have enough expendable frontline bodies.
“Well that sucks” was the only response.
Okay- -show of hands- -Everybody agree Saddam is Evil? Great. Now- -another show of hands- -Do you think we should tell him where and when we’re coming? Right. And one last one- -Are you ready to have your kid die to eliminate His Evilness? Think about it.
Okay, Rummy. We all know what’s on your mind. Who are you trying to prepare, him or us? And you double-dare-pinky-swear this is no Wag The Dog scenario just so The Boss- -no not Bruce- -George W- -can get reëlected? Cross your heart and hope to die?
IRAQ IN RUIN. Coming soon to a theater (of war) near you.
Will it be an instant hit or a bomb?
Iraq my brains and wonder.
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