11-25-02-02, Danny McBride
Hairy Plotters and the Secrets of Chambers
By Danny McBride
IPS Features
This week the child wizard returned to make movie magic at box offices everywhere by waving his wand over the cash register. He and his little wizardy friends are once again called upon to foil the forces of evil. (Hint: I don’t want to spoil it for you, so I won’t tell you if they beat the bad guys or not!! Oh, okay- -guess what? They win!!) But one thing that sets this child superhero apart from all his buddies is that he is able to speak a language that almost no one else can speak. That’s all I’m gonna say. See the movie or read the book.
Now this- -just in from the Associated Press and printed in The Los Angeles Daily News written by Margie Mason- -Quote:
“San Francisco- -Nine gay linguists, including six trained to speak Arabic, have been discharged from a U S Army language institute despite the threat of war in the Middle East and a critical shortage of language specialists in the military and intelligence agencies.” Say what???
We’ve got “chatter”, as they like to say, at intense levels, and we can’t get a message translated because the Army doesn’t want our national security apparatus to be tainted with the stigma of homosexuality? Tell me this is a bad dream. One of these guys might translate the very message that tips us off as to where and when the next big Al Qaeda move is- -but because they like to put on bathrobes and fry up a couple of steaks together at the end of a busy day, and okay, maybe pat each other on the butt, our collective behinds could be blown to smithereens? Hello??!! Priorities??!!
If we had had enough people translating Arabic messages before Nine-One-One we might have foiled the plans. As we now know, translations of communications in Arabic were two or three days behind the actual receiving of the messages because we didn’t have enough staff capable of translating the volume of “chatter” in Arabic.
“I’m sorry, sir. Yes, we know that you may be able to perhaps save the free world from total annihilation with your language skills, and that’s all well and good- -but we strongly disapprove of the way you use your penis. You’ll have to go now. We’ll take our chances, and put the lives of ordinary citizens in jeopardy as a result of this action, we know that, and that’s the breaks. We’re willing to let thousands of innocent Americans die because your bedroom habits don’t conform with our own, but we’re willing to take that chance. Have a nice day.”
Hey!! Wait!! I’m not willing to take that chance!! I don’t care if they room with a sheep if they can help speed up the Arabic translation process. This is TOTALLY NUTS!!
Those hairy plotters- -the guys that don’t cut their hair or beards- -no, not Jerry Garcia aficionados- -I’m talking about the Osama wannabes plotting to kill you and me just for being as American as Apple’s pie charts.
Round figures: About how many people on this planet speak Arabic? Okay, what, a billion? How many graduates were there in Arabic from this Army language place these guys were at, The Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California? According to the AP, this year 516 linguists enrolled in the Arabic course, but only 365 graduated. Let’s see- -365 to a billion. Yeah, we’re set. Let these guys go.
But nine guys were kicked out- -only six were Arabic specialists. What about the other three? Well, two were studying Korean, as in North Korea- -Hello? AXIS OF EVIL?? And the other guy was studying Mandarin Chinese, although he wasn’t planning to help with our spy decoding networks. He was going to open a take-out place in The Valley- -WRONG!! Of course he was on the team to crack the communications of our close personal friends, the Chinese.
And how did this all get exposed, so to speak? Secrets of the bed chambers. A couple of these guys were caught shacking up during a surprise inspection after lights out. Oh, grow up. Who freakin’ cares? Did they do their work? Were they good Americans trying to defeat Al Qaeda? Do you speak Arabic? Do you know what it cost to train these guys? Can you take their place? Insane.
All the official poobahs have come out in defense of the Army discharging the nine men with the usual claptrap. “They knew the consequences. Blah Blah Blah.”
Yeah but WE might have to suffer the consequences because such a Medieval policy invades the private lives of our patriots. Get over it.
Did you see the boy wizard movie? Did you know that there are a lot of popular British character actors who make the film a delight? Did you know that some of them might be gay? Are you still going to see the movie? Did you know that one of the greatest generals who ever led an army was gay? Alexander the Great. Did it undercut morale or unit cohesion? In fact quite the opposite: They conquered the known world, just as some Arabic speakers would like to do. And hey!! Isn’t it great that this same week there’s a new Osama tape? (Frankly I don’t think it’s Osama. I think it’s Rich Little.)
So the little wizard boy wins because of his language skills. I hope we do as well.
Would you like to know how I really feel about all of this?
Don’t ask. Don’t tell.
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