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This is the title to one of the songs on my “Ex Wives Go On Forever” CD and I recently was forced to think about an old flame that burned out. Here’s how it was forced on me. In my 1982 book titled Things That Really Matter there was a chapter describing my loving feelings about the woman I was married to at that time. People kept asking me to reprint the book but every time I thought about it, I knew I could not leave that chapter as it was back then. My first inclination was to repress it like I have done for 14 years. This time I decided I would endure the discomfort long enough to make a decision. The reason we repress thoughts of old lovers and mates is a mixture of embarrassment, frustration, uncertainty and pain. We are embarrassed that the relationship didn’t work out and may feel guilt or even shame over it. If we were clearly shafted, we are chagrined that people know it. We feel like idiots. We are frustrated over all the unanswered questions that hover in our minds. Despite talking it out dozens of times, maybe even to a psychiatrist or professional counselor, we remain uncertain about what really happened. No matter how deeply the pain is repressed, it will come back in little hit-and-run spasms. The first thing we must do is to acknowledge that we are humans. Homo sapiens can be pitiful creatures and make the dumbest mistakes but they can also do majestic things like writing beautiful music and inventing cures for fatal diseases. They even lay down their own lives for others. Like all other humans, I am a mixture of positive and negative qualities. I have made mistakes. But was loving that person a mistake? Can giving love from your heart ever be a mistake? As my wise friend, Donnie Jenkins, says, “It may have been a failure but it wasn’t a mistake.” Few people know that Babe Ruth struck out more times than any ball player ever had. He also hit more home runs. In his failures he learned how to hit home runs. I felt so betrayed that I could see no good in it. I still feel betrayed and deceived but I can see some good things that mate did for me. I can remember some good times. If I had not been with her, I might have been with someone less intelligent. She was interesting. She was a fine conversationalist and had a good sense of humor. It also helps to realize that HEr psyches may have been abused in ways that we may never fully realize. Something made us like we are and all of it may not be the result of her our choices. We have all been damaged at a level so deep we never become fully conscious of it. No one is without their unconscious buttons. The greatest value in a genuine spiritual practice is becoming aware of those buttons. It is a lifelong undertaking. I am not making excuses for her or me. Excuses and reasons are two different things. I am seeking to remain aware that there were reasons our relationship didn’t work, no matter whose “fault” it was. So what I did and what you will have to do to make peace with old flames that burned you is to reframe it. You are a human and humans make mistakes. You didn’t know then what you know now. You are not omniscient so you may never understand it all. You can be certain that there is more good in it than you will ever know simply because we repress the whole situation when we repress the pain. Even if getting a source of pain out of your life is the only good you can see, that is something to be grateful for every day for the rest of your life. That, dear friends, is reason aplenty for healing – even rejoicing.
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