Anything
Under the Sun
By
Marsha Rogers
IPS Features

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A Matter of Trust

                                To be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved – George MacDonald

It's bad enough when someone you don't know steals your private information.  It's a complete breech of trust when someone you have known for a long time (7 years is long) does it.  Not only it is someone you have known...one of your best friends.

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship. Ralph Waldo Emerson

So far, I don't think I have been financially hurt.  But I have been emotionally devastated.  A trust I hold sacred was broken, maybe irreparably.

The muscles tighten in my chest.  My heart beats faster.  And my breathing is shallow.  I am empty.  Abandoned.  I feel as though something died.

Breaking a trust is like death.  And I am going through all the stages of grief and loss...denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

If you deceive someone, you lose one of life's greatest treasures,.... Because without trust, love is not possible. - Bahgwan Shree Ragneesh

Denial.  No, this cannot be happening.  It didn't happen.  I am in shock.  How could this happen?  This is a friend.  A friend doesn't do something like this.  But the proof is in my hand.  My hand is shaking.  My voice quivers as I say aloud to no one there, “This didn't happen.”

Three times proof was there.  In black and white, three notices that my information had been used without my permission.  I called one lender.  More proof.  Yes, I was listed as co-signer.  Yes, it had been done electronically.  Yes, it could be removed.  And the understanding lady on the other end of the phone said the dreaded words, “This is identity theft.”

Yes, I had said I could help.  Yes, I had said I could be used...as a reference.  Why?  Why would a friend do this to me?

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you – Friedrich Nietzsche

 Anger.  “Yes, remove my information from the file and note I did not agree to co-sign.”  This will not happen again.  I call credit reporting agencies.  I put a fraud alert on all of them.  I report it.  There is no crime because no money has changed hands.  I take all precautions to make sure that no one will use my information without my express consent.  “You will not do this to me!  Ever again.”  I am angry with myself.  “How could I let this happen?”  Was there something I did? something I didn't do? was I that stupid I couldn't see it coming?  Am I such a bad person that this had to happen to me?

Bargaining.  I will give my friend until tomorrow.  I leave messages on phone and e-mail.  I wait to hear.  I hope I will hear.  If I hear, I won't take further action.  I call other friends for solace.  I will wait.  But nothing happens.  I don't hear.  I get no response.  Three days of hoping my friend will call and let me know how this has happened.  After all, I have helped in the past.  I have provided references.  If only I can get an answer as to “why” my friend went to this extreme I can make peace...maybe.  Maybe I won't have to take any further action.  Maybe, if I give an opportunity to explain all will be fine.

Depression.  I have been quiet for three days.  More quiet than I am usually.  I don't talk to others.  I don't eat.  I haven't slept well for three nights.  The muscles in my back have tightened.  I cannot focus on tasks either at home or at work.  Even chocolate looses its appeal.  I go through the motions of getting up, going to work, muddling through the day.

 I write.  I write to understand.  I journal to seek answers.  I re-read three days of journals to see if there is an reason I can find for what has happened.  There is no joy and my mood is mirrored in the overcast and rain outside.

When you betray somebody else, you also betray yourself.  - Isaac Bashevis Singer

Acceptance.  I talk to myself: 
            “OK, this has happened. 
            “You trusted someone. 
            “That trust was betrayed.
            “You have survived.
            “You will survive.
            “You have lost what you thought was a good friend.”

 I started this at 3 AM.  Somewhere around 4 AM I fix breakfast.  Special blend coffee and biscuits comfort me.  I am beginning to enjoy living again.  I will continue, but not with this person.  Maybe I am not all the way to acceptance.  I am sad.  Something precious has died.  I want it back, but I know it can not be so.  I cannot trust this person again.

                         Trust is like a vase...once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be the same                       again. - Anonymous